Fear & Denial

You can see it their face. You can sense it in their eyes. The non-verbal signals are a dead-giveaway to the fear and denial towards their teen’s “Extra Curricular” activities: drugs, sex, cyber- inappropriate or dangerous behaviors, and other common teenage criminal acts.

“Oh no, my boy would never do that”, or “I know that she isn’t telling me EVERYTHING, but she’s getting good grades”, or how about the “I did allot worse when I was a teenager” justification? Do any of these resonate with you?

It is so much easier to turn a blind eye to the dangerous activities that our children ARE partaking in, and of course, no harm; no foul, but what if? What if that next victim is your child? Why do we, as parents, allow our children to engage freely in a world full of enticing and frivolous activities without setting, maintaining and ensuring proper boundaries?

We have the ability to do so. We have the same technology that our children are playing with, and we must have and maintain control over this technology, both within, and outside the home. For most of us, I would assume that we pay the bills for internet access and cell phone service, and if that is not control enough, then I don’t what is. Set the parameters applicable to your household’s needs, and if there is a breach, then there must be a direct consequence for such.

My kids are allowed 1.5 hours of internet use, per day. If they need more for homework that is being done (diligently and without Facebook interruptions) then I will extend as necessary. Most computers have a utility that allows for this type of internet control. If not, then there are numerous third party software applications that can be purchased. If you are on a wireless network, you can simply go into the router settings and control the time limit parameters.

I have the ability to restrict the web content as well, but I have chosen not to use this function due to its overreaching content filter, causing me more headaches than I choose to deal with. This is where Internet Monitoring Software comes in handy. The software that I personally use is the same as what I am selling at Theia: Spector Pro. It keeps a record of every site visited on my computer. It also takes snapshots of the screen on a variable time setting so that I can see who my daughters are talking to, as well as the content of their discussions. Many folks feel that this is too invasive. I say copout. This is no more invasive than entering a child’s bedroom and snooping around to see if there is any evidence of drug use, sex or any other bits of info that a parent might be rightfully and responsibly looking for. This isn’t a Gestapo tactic; this is a duty of every parent to ensure a safe and healthy upbringing of their children. Allow me to remind you of my TRAIN acronym:

Teach our kids about the lurking dangers of the internet. Regulate their computer usage. Administer their content. Incorporate healthy and safe boundaries and alternatives, and Never allowing them to go out to meet a "cyber-friend" without your tagging along to ensure the validity of this person.

The other half of the “fear factor” is the inability to have an open and honest conversation with your children. My advice: Just keep talking. I would also recommend a mandatory, all-hands-on-deck dinner routine for at least one night a week. I use Sunday for our free-for-all table discussion, and I try to make sure that it isn’t too serious or has any type of agenda. Just allow your children to feel free to discuss whatever comes to mind, and you’ll be surprised how much info just rolls out. Have fun too! Make jokes, be silly, and don’t be in a rush to get the table cleared. It is often during these dinner discussions, or perhaps more accurately, after dinner when the pertinent questions can be slyly interwoven into the discussion. If your child is the type who doesn’t like to be pelted with direct questions, be less direct and a bit cleverer. Talk about something you read about in the paper that might spark the conversation, or ask a general question about how their school handles certain situation pertaining to the subject that you are interested in, i.e., “Does your school hand out condoms, or do they have them available to kids?”, or “Does your school offer drug education classes? I heard that there is an increase in kids who are experimenting with drugs.”

Watch how your child reacts to your inquiries. Watch for signs of fidgeting or their inability to look at you in the eyes. These aren’t the end all signs of drug usage of course, but they are often good indicators.

The more you can calmly and enjoyably discuss issues with your children, the easier it is to communicate your beliefs, your worries, your rules, and your boundaries. Be patient; this can sometimes take a while to produce positive results.

If you do suspect that your child is involved with drugs, call me at Theia, and I’d be happy to sell you one of our in-home drug testing kits.

You must find out if they are using drugs, and you must stop it!

Feel free to call me with any other question or concern you might have. I’m not an expert at any of this, but I do have plenty of experience as both a dad and cop.

Remember, “We enhance the Bay Area One Child at a Time”.

Comments

[Cheap Computers Canada]

Most computers have a utility that allows for this type of internet control. If not, then there are numerous third party software applications that can be purchased.